Self Inflicted
by silverhelix428
Summary: Considering Logan's proposal, Rory came to a heartbreaking realization about the man she was never able to put in her past, but guilt prevented her from taking action. Four years later, she will meet him again... Future Literati
1. Solitaire

**Title-** Self-Inflicted  
**Author-** Victoria  
**Rating-** PG-13  
**Summary-** Considering Logan's proposal, Rory came to a heartbreaking realization about the man she was never able to put in her past, but guilt prevented her from taking action. Four years later, she will meet him again... Future Lit

**A/N-** I've had some trouble finding the time to work on all my FIPs, and when I finally do have an afternoon to write, what do I find? That I can't, for the life of me, get inspired for IIWII (thanks for all your suggestions, BTW) or Dawn or PM or even LRTR! Instead, I've got this stuck in my brain. And yes, I did stoop to using Katy Perry lyrics. Aren't I allowed guilty pleasures?

* * *

1. Solitaire

_"I'm going down in flames for you,_  
_Baby you are the weapon I choose,_  
_These wounds are self-inflicted..."_  
_-Katy Perry_

* * *

Rory slips the ring on her finger and stares at it, wondering, debating, indecisive. She shouldn't be indecisive, should she? She should know that this is right... right? She loves Logan. She does. So why couldn't she just say yes when he asked her? What was all that "give me some time to think" nonsense, anyway? Why is she even thinking any of this? She shouldn't have any doubts or reservations, should she? If it was right, she ought to just _know_.

The diamond on her finger glitters in the light of the single lamp. It's huge. It's the size of a fresh pencil eraser, and it almost dwarfs her finger, and for a second Rory can't help but think of it as a monstrosity. Quickly, though, she chases that thought away. Ostentatious was never her thing, but it is Logan's, and if it makes him happy to give her a huge rock...

She squirms a little, debating back and forth and trying to think it through logically.

_Pro:_ Logan loves you  
_Con:_ Logan cheated on you.

Yes, she has forgiven him for that, but she remembers once reading an article in Psychology Today about the mentality of cheating partners, and the gist of it had been "once a cheater, always a cheater." She doesn't want to get married and then turn into one of those women who is constantly paranoid about her husband's whereabouts for fear of infidelity.

_Pro:_ Logan was a fantastic boyfriend and would make a fantastic husband  
_Con:_ His family hated her.

Maybe not _hated_, but they weren't exactly on the most friendly terms. Though, as her mother has proved to her time and time again, the opinion of the parents shouldn't have a bearing on the relationships of the child. So what if Mitchum and Shira Huntzberger think she isn't good enough? Logan does, and that's more than enough for her.

_Pro:_ She would be nicely settled down.  
_Con:_ She would be nicely settled down.

There is so much Rory wants to do and experience in the world. All she has ever known is school and studying and preparing for The Next Big Step. Logan drew her out of that protective shell somewhat, and now she is eager to taste and see all that the world has to offer her. Logically, she knows that she's got as much right to do all that as a married woman as she would single, but part of her is afraid. Afraid that if she marries Logan, if she ties herself to his opulent existence, she won't be allowed to go out and experience the seedy and the dangerous and the fascinating. Afraid that she would be kept from the ordinary and the everyday (the joys of Pop-Tarts, the feeling of running unprotected through a rainstorm, living in cheap European hostels just because she can) in favor of the next big thrill. She really would be _settling_.

But on the other hand, Logan _is_ perfect for her. He's charming and smart and he keeps up with her off-the-wall references (most of the time). He brings her out of her shell and he takes care of her, not in a possessive, jealous way but unobtrusively and sweetly. He's considerate, and her family loves him. She's in love with him as well, and they have a good relationship.

So what on earth is holding her back? Rory sighs, and decides that she needs some moral support to get her through this. And with Paris not likely to be much help (though, all things considered, Paris has occasionally proved unexpectedly insightful, and she certainly provides necessary perspective) what with her preoccupation with India, and her mother refusing to give her any advice beyond "follow your heart," Rory knows there's only one person she can call to give her the support and advice she needs.

Quickly whipping out her cell phone, she dials a number she's long since memorized. Lane answers on the first ring. "Rory, it's nine pm!" she whisper-shouts. "The twins just went down for the night!"

"Sorry!" Rory hisses apologetically. "I'm so sorry Lane. The phone didn't wake them?"

"No no, they're still out."

"Good. I really need some girl talk."

"What's up?" Lane asks.

Rory hesitates, nibbling on the insides of her cheeks. "Logan proposed."

She can hear Lane stifle a squeal of excitement. "Oh my god!" she gasps, clearly just barely keeping her voice reasonably soft. "How did he do it? What did you say? You said yes, right? Of course you said yes, oh my god, I'm going to have a married friend!"

"Actually... that's kind of why I need your help," Rory admits quietly. "I told him I needed time to think about it."

"Really? Why?" Her friend's voice is perplexed.

"Because... I'm not really sure why. It's nothing concrete. I mean, there are a few problems with getting married, but nothing we couldn't get over pretty quickly. I don't know. I just need to be sure."

She can practically feel Lane nodding, see her solemn, wise expression. "Of course. You're a logical person. You like to make certain. So... what are the problems you were talking about?"

Rory shrugs, though Lane can't see her. "Mostly his family doesn't like me. And I wouldn't want to be tied down. I want to just--"

"Take a glorious bite out of the whole world?" Lane suggests.

Rory giggles. "Snow Patrol?"

"What? I'm allowed to have a few guilty pleasures, aren't I?"

"I'm not judging!" Rory assures her. "Besides, I doubt there's anyone who would deny that Take Back The City is a truly great song, though You Could Be Happy is a tad cliché. Appropriate, though, in this situation."

"That's me- a lyric for every occasion."

"Indeed."

"So... you're not sure."

Rory sighs. "Not so much unsure as..." She searches, gives up. "Unsure. I don't know. I love Logan, but something's holding me back and I don't even know what. When Zach proposed, how did you know he was it?"

"Simple," Lane replies, as if it's obvious. "I knew he was the one I wanted waiting for me at the end of the aisle." After a brief silence during which Rory digests this, Lane continues, "Look, just close your eyes and picture the church and the dress and Logan at the end of the aisle and if it feels right, it's right."

Almost as if her friend's words are a spell, Rory's eyes slide closed s she imagines it all. She can practically feel the satin of a white gown hugging her body, hear the wedding march playing as she makes her way up the aisle. In her mind, she lifts her eyes to catch a glimpse of her waiting groom and...

Rory snaps back to herself with a shock. "Oh no," she whispers, feeling her insides twist painfully. It was not Logan's winning smile and green eyes she found awaiting her at the altar.

"Rory?" Lane's voice asks.

"I have to call you back," she says stiffly, snapping her phone shut.

Only then does she allow a single tear to trace a line down her cheek. She only lets one tear fall before she wipes at her eyes and takes a calming breath to steady herself. She needs to process this. When she imagines her wedding, she can't see Logan fitting into the picture. Instead, the only person she can picture waiting for her at the end of the aisle is someone she thought was in her past.

As usual, just when she thinks she's over Jess Mariano, he insists on popping back up in her life.

It's not a total surprise, now that she really thinks about it. She was so far from over him when she got (back) together from Dean- in fact, a lot of that relationship was probably a reaction to their latest encounter. And he pops into her mind at strange moments- always has- and the thought of him has never failed to give her a secret little happy feeling, never fully acknowledged. When she visited him in Philadelphia, over a year ago now, she had to physically restrain herself to stop herself from jumping his bones on the spot. That, also, went as unacknowledged as she could make it. She sidelined her unexpectedly strong reaction to him during that visit. She lied, when she pulled away from Jess that night. She wasn't leaving because she feared hurting Logan. She was leaving because if she had gone further, if they had even kissed for just a moment longer, she wouldn't have been able to stop.

Worse, she wouldn't have been able to lie to herself any longer. Now, confronted with it rather directly, she knows what she should have realized what was as true then as it is now: she is still in love with Jess Mariano.

Oh god.

What does this mean? It's been four years, and she's had two boyfriends in the meantime. How can she possibly still have these feelings for him? Then again, though, Rory has always been very good at compartmentalizing. The only thing she's better at, in fact, is lying to herself. She did it all the time before she got together with Jess, when she was trying to deny her attraction to him. And it seems that she's been doing quite a good job of doing exactly that ever since.

Her heart is beating too fast, and she takes a few hard breaths to try and slow it down. It doesn't work. Emotions are crashing through her, tearing her in two different directions.

_Pro:_ Logan loves her, and it's more or less reciprocal.  
_Con:_ She still loves Jess. And she loves him a whole lot more.

* * *

When she hands the ring back to Logan, she's sad. She knows she is going to miss this relationship. But there's another kind of sadness underneath it. Now that she's acknowledged it and identified its source, her memories are all echoing with it. It's been carried with her for years, and it's a kind of aching emptiness that comes from having lost something vital to her happiness. She's been okay- she's made happiness without it, but not once has she experienced true elemental joy since she was eighteen years old.

And so as she watches Logan walk away for the last time, Rory knows that she'll be okay. She's already survived worse.

* * *

When Lorelai asks how she's doing, she confesses honestly. She misses him. It hurts. She wants it to stop hurting. And when her mother assumes she's speaking exclusively of Logan, she doesn't bother to correct her. Some of it applies to Logan as well, but the majority of her confusion and hurt is coming from a different source. It's not something she really wants Lorelai to know about. It's a can of worms she doesn't want to open just now.

* * *

When the Obama campaign stops in Philadelphia, Rory debates going to visit him. She wants to see him. She wants to hear his voice. She wants to find out more about his career, she wants to talk to him about anything and everything. She wants to see that stupid smirk of his. She wants to argue about music and the merits of Lawrence Ferlinghetti as a meaningful contributor to the Beat Generation. She wanted to feel his skillful hands on every part of her body.

She doesn't go to see him. After the way she treated him the last time they saw each other, she has no right even to speak to him, let alone ask (beg) him for a second chance.

Funny. It used to be him asking for a second chance. Now it's her turn to regret their ending. Now it's her turn to wish she could rewind time and fix this so that she would never have to feel this gaping hole in her chest at all, let alone acknowledging it to herself at long last. Now she's the one alone, knowing he's sure to have moved on after her behavior last time.

Staying in her hotel room costs her a tiny piece of her sanity.

* * *

When her mother asks if she's met anyone, she says no. When Lorelai notices, on her infrequent homecomings, that her daughter looks a little thinner, a little paler, a little less vibrant, Rory blames it on the long hours of bus travel.

But that doesn't stop Lorelai from paying attention, Rory knows. She never asks, but she suspects that Lorelai blames it on the breakup with Logan. Part of her feels that Logan doesn't deserve the animosity Lorelai is surely storing up for him. The rest of her is just glad that she doesn't have to dodge any particularly probing questions. It's hard enough living her life carrying all this regret without her mother's pity.

She is so far gone. She always was, and she's beginning to fear that she always will be. One year since the end of her relationship with Logan. Five since she and Jess broke up. (She hates applying that term to what happened between them, because to her, it was less of a breakup and more of a collapse- everything just fell apart and neither of them wanted it but it happened anyway and they both ended up with broken hearts.) And yet she's still seated with these feelings that simply won't go. She could bury them, she knows. She's done it before, with Dean and with Logan. She could begin dating, find someone new to substitute for Jess, but her new policy of honesty with herself gets in the way. It would be a betrayal. She doesn't know of what, but it would be a betrayal nonetheless.

Part of her wonders if maybe she's more in love with the sorrow than with him, but on the rare occasions when he appears in her dreams, she knows that's wrong. Rory Gilmore was destined to be in love with Jess Mariano. Destiny just got tired of waiting around for her to figure it out and she's missed her last train.

It's not that she's unhappy. She's not. Her job is fulfilling and wonderful, and she's met amazing people and made new friends. Her sisterhood with Lane is still as strong as ever, despite the distance and their busy schedules. Her mother has finally worked things out with Luke and she's elated for them. It's only when she's feeling alone that the regret and sadness wash over her. The rest of the time she's able to live her life to the fullest and she enjoys the little things. She just... misses him. It's like background white noise in her life. Ever-present. Always painful. But she can shut it out.

She _can_.

* * *

When Paris and Doyle get married, just after the Obama campaign ends, Rory is the maid of honor. She dances with the best man, Jerry something. He is a year or two older than her, single, well-off, very attractive. They discover a mutual love of cheesy 80's horror films and spend the obligatory waltz talking animatedly. He tries to kiss her. Succeeds. Rory does not kiss back. Immediately afterwards, she abandons him on the dance floor and spends the rest of the night avoiding him.

* * *

When she gets a job as an assistant editor at the Stamford Eagle-Gazette (she's sure her previous employment has something to do with it), she's elated and she pulls out her phone and dials the first number she can think of. It's a number she has memorized. She's dialed it hundreds of times, then hung up before it even has a chance to ring. This time, though, it rings twice and then a male voice- not Jess's, possibly one of his coworkers- answers. She hangs up with a mumbled apology.

Then she calls her mother. Lorelai ought to be the first one to know.

* * *

It's four years after her graduation from Yale when her mother calls one night, giggling excitedly before she even stutters out a greeting. "Luke proposed!" Lorelai shrieks.

"What? That's amazing!" Rory congratulates her. "When? How did he do it? Was it ridiculously sappy?" She's over the moon. Probably Luke and her mother are the only two who are happier than she is just now. The two had been steadily dating since the kiss that had occurred at her graduation party, mutually agreeing to take things slow this time and not rush into anything, though it was clear to everyone but them that each was desperate to finish what they'd started so many years before.

"He made me dinner," Lorelai explains. "I mean, he does that every night, but this was super-special dinner with olive oil and candles and three courses and an extra spoon for the dessert, and the kitchen was all low-lit and stuff and he'd bought flowers and everything was so pretty and then after dinner he got down on one knee and he looked so nervous!"

"Aww, nervous Luke," Rory coos, smiling at the image. It seems like a pretty standard-issue proposal to anyone who doesn't know Lorelai Gilmore (_soon to be Danes!_ she thinks excitedly). But Rory does know her mother, and she knows how much her mother longed for the things that seemed to come so naturally to other women. Marriage and mini-vans and the white picket fences (though all experienced with an unhealthy calorie intake and a quip for every occasion). Rory suspects that Lorelai loves that Luke proposed in such a simple, yet romantic manner.

While she's musing on her soon-to-be stepfather's proposal, Lorelai continues talking excitedly. Rory's attention is only caught when she hears her mother say, "...thought he'd ask Jess to be the best man, seeing as they're all buddy-buddy now."

"What?" Rory stutters.

Misunderstanding the cause of her surprise, Lorelai says, "Oh yeah, they talk all the time. Jess doesn't visit much- usually just a couple times every few months, and that's mostly to see his little sister- but it's pretty hysterical when he does come to town. He's grown up a lot and he's freakishly like Luke sometimes. Anybody who didn't know better would think they were father and son."

"Yeah..." Rory says softly. "I always thought so."

Something in her tone must tip Lorelai off to her distress and inner turmoil. "Rory? Sweetie?" she asks. "Is everything okay?"

"Just processing," Rory reassures her.

She didn't know Jess ever came back to Stars Hollow. Granted, she's not back as often as she'd like, but he's never once bothered to contact her when he was in town. Of course, after the way they left things, he has every right to avoid her. He has every right not to want to see her, to hate her if he wants to. She has no claim on him (though he has every claim on her, if he were to want it). And despite that knowledge, it stings that he never even called to say he was in town.

Her reply, which was intended to placate her mother, instead ignites curiosity. "You need to process the fact that Jess speaks to his family? I thought _you_ were the one trying to convince _me_ that he'd grown up after you saw him a few years ago!"

Rory sighs. "I know," she says. "Jess is... really something."

Lorelai must realize that this is a delicate topic, and skates on to more wedding talk. Rory tunes her out, nodding and giving an appreciative, automatic response every few minutes when Lorelai pauses for a breath. She thinks hard. Jess will be at the wedding. It makes sense. She already knew he and Luke have a fairly close relationship. And there's absolutely no way she will miss her mother's, her best friend's, wedding. Nothing could stop her from being there.

For the first time in five years, Rory Gilmore knows she will have to face the biggest regret in her life. She only hopes she'll be strong enough to go through it without doing something moronic.

* * *

_**VERY IMPORTANT:**_ I have two ways I can take this. It will either be a two-parter, or I can drag it out for a few chapters. Your choice. Leave your review, tell me your opinion. One more chapter, or several?


	2. All These Years

A/N- Heroes is canceled. I am devastated. If my writing quality suffers (and I really think it did, because this chapter is, in the words of Zach, "so emo I wanted to shoot myself"), this is why. *goes to eat Rocky Road and cry a little more over the loss of Sylar and Peter and Emma and evil!Matt and all the rest* Anyway, the point is, after carefully consulting all your reviews and suggestions, this is going to be not a two-parter, but a three-parter. That gives me enough room to explore all that I want to, without dragging it out interminably. Enjoy!

* * *

2. All These Years

_"I will be chasing your starlight_  
_Until the end of my life_  
_I don't know if it's worth it anymore._  
_Hold you in my arms,_  
_I just wanted to hold you in my arms..."  
-Muse_

_

* * *

_

Jess comes into town two days before the wedding. He would have come sooner- though he probably wouldn't admit it, he loves spending time with his little sister- but he was tied up at work. With a major project nearing completion, he had to put in several extra hours of work over the past few days to finish up before the wedding. But he arrives in time for Luke's bachelor party, and that's all that matters.

They sit together in a bar in Hartford, sipping at a couple of beers and watching TJ, Jackson, and Kirk shoot pool (very badly on the parts of all except Kirk). Luke doesn't say much, and neither does Jess. They've never really needed words to communicate. Jess just hopes that Luke understands how much he esteems him; Luke really is like a father to him. Maybe before Luke's wedding is the appropriate time to reassure him of that, but Jess doesn't voice it. He doesn't think he needs to.

Jackson misses the cue ball wildly, and Jess snorts, brought out of his thoughts by the produce man's muffled swearing. "Having a good time?" he asks sardonically, looking at his uncle.

Luke grimaces. "Fantastic," he responds, equally facetious.

"Just think, if you'd listened to me way back when, you'd have been over and done with this years ago," Jess says lightly.

"Yeah, well, things turned out pretty okay the way they are," Luke says.

It's true. His uncle has got all his ducks in a row. The diner is as successful as ever, he's got a surprisingly strong relationship with the daughter he didn't know he had, and he's about to marry the woman of his dreams. And Jess can't help but feel a pang of envy.

When he was a teenager, he fancied himself to be Jack Kerouac, perfectly happy not to be tied down to anything, living a bohemian life and wandering with the wind. The thing about that, though, is that eventually you have to land somewhere, and Jess realized some time ago that he just wants- crazy though it sounded- to settle down. He wants what Luke has. A dependable job and a steady relationship. The first part he's already got- for six years he's been working a stable job, and he can't imagine doing anything else with his life. The second part, though... finding someone to share his life with... not so much.

After stewing over it for maybe half an hour, Jess finally works up the nerve to ask, "So how's Rory?"

It doesn't escape him that Luke suddenly looks nervous. "She's... successful," he says. But there's more to it and they both know it. The look in Luke's eyes says it all.

"But...?" Jess prompts.

"Something's wrong with her," he admits. "I think she _thinks_ she's alright, but she's not. She's quieter now, and she's so thin, and she's got these dark circles under her eyes all the time..." Luke shakes his head sadly. "It's like her light has gone out completely."

This idea terrifies Jess. He saw her once at a time when her innate glow had faded and she was difficult to recognize as herself. But the spark was still there, then. The idea of her calm fire being completely extinguished is something he can't imagine. He isn't sure if this is love or just obsession anymore, but he knows that whichever way it falls, she's still tremendously important to him. He sabotages every relationship he's had that's been anywhere close to serious because he just can't let her go. It's sickening to him, sometimes, but he's come to accept it. She's always going to be magnetic to him, and these feelings are never going to go away. It became much easier to deal with once he accepted that.

When he doesn't speak as a result of his constricted heart, Luke continues: "Lorelai blames that Huntzberger kid. Thinks she's pining over him."

Jealousy bites at him, but Jess fights it back to say, with as much calm as he can muster, "Bastard."

"You're tellin' me!" Luke exclaims. "I knew that jerk was trouble from the beginning."

"Cheating, self-centered dickhole," Jess mutters, not really responding to his uncle, now just seething over the idea that Rory can still be in pain over that jerk. He doesn't know any of the particulars of what happened between them- he doesn't think he could stomach them- but imagining Rory in pain, Rory suffering for any reason, makes him want to put his fist through a wall. He doesn't care that she's hurting because she's still in love with some other guy (her words from years before come back to haunt him again, but he doesn't allow that to touch him anymore). The reasons don't matter. Only the end result matters.

Luke looks at him, and there's a surprising amount of understanding and sympathy in his gaze. Jess wonders how much his uncle guesses about his feelings for Rory.

* * *

It's the day before the wedding, and the diner has been left in Caesar's capable hands, with Lane and Jess backing him up. It's good to be back here, just for awhile, working the diner. For a moment, it's like he never left. Jess wishes he could go back and change things. He doesn't regret leaving- it was absolutely necessary, and he grew from the things he experienced that year- but if he could have fixed the circumstances... if he could have just said goodbye properly... maybe things would be different.

Jess learned long ago not to torture himself with what ifs. Working the diner is just making him nostalgic. He half-expects to see Rory in her Chilton uniform launching herself through the door and begging to be fed.

The bell over the door jingles, and he looks up quickly, already preparing mentally to berate himself for his assumptions, but what he sees freezes him cold.

It actually is Rory, but a very different Rory from the one whom he was just remembering. The woman before him, twenty-five and a successful career woman, is a far cry from the girl he used to know. It's as Luke said. Rory was always thin, but now she's a waif, and she does in fact look tired and worn-out. She's still beautiful, but it's not the same robust, girl-next-door beauty he recalls. She looks... fragile. Delicate and fragile, as if there were something constantly on the verge of shattering apart inside her.

"Hi," he tells her.

"Hi," she replies softly.

And in that instant, when he hears her voice, the same beautiful voice, he knows. This isn't obsession. It isn't some psychological complex he's developed over the years. This is it. This is love. He can hardly breathe for staring at her.

* * *

As soon as it's possible to do so without giving herself away, Rory flees the diner. She should have known he would be there, but she wasn't thinking. She just walked in, expecting coffee like usual, and there he was. It's the first time she's seen him since Truncheon, five years ago, and if she'd ever had any doubt about her feelings, the sight of him, clad in an apron with the sleeves on his shirt pushed up past his elbows and the tiniest hint of a smirk hovering about him would have erased it.

Rory races back to the Crap Shack and barely manages to make it to her room before the tears begin to fall. She knows she would have had to face him eventually, seeing as their duties as best man and maid of honor would undoubtedly bring them into contact, but she expected to have some forewarning, to be able to _prepare_ herself for it! She closes her bedroom door firmly behind her and curls up on her bed, hugging a pillow to her chest and leaning her cheek against the headboard, allowing the tears to slip down her face.

She's supposed to be strong, confident Rory Gilmore, and she hates that she can be reduced to this point, that the mere sight of the man she loves can reduce her to tears. But strong, confident Rory Gilmore is a lie, and she knows it; she was never as strong as everyone thought she was- that's her mother's job. And knowing that it's all her fault makes it worse. If she had just had the courage- the _strength_, the _confidence_- to admit to herself what she really wanted when she had the chance, she could have had it. She might be with Jess right now, if she hadn't been so determined to run away from her feelings. At the thought, her silent crying turns to sobbing, and she settles in for a good breakdown. It's been too long since she cried over Jess Mariano.

She abandoned her self-control too soon, however. "Rory, have you seen my--?"Lorelai freezes in the doorway, taking in her daughter's appearance, the moisture on her cheeks and her erratic, pained breathing. "Oh Rory," she whispers.

And then she's sitting next to her on the bed as Rory buries her face in her mother's shoulder and sobs wildly. All the pain and the hurt she's been storing up over four years, which she thought she'd safely let out bit by bit- like opening the cap on a shaken soda bottle slowly, rather than all at once- comes cascading over both of them and it's all she can do to cling to her mother and cry so hard it becomes nearly impossible to breathe.

Eventually, though, she manages to control herself, and for a few minutes they just sit like that, with Lorelai rubbing her daughter's back soothingly. Then, hesitantly, she apparently feels compelled to say, "Rory, honey, I tried to ignore this. I tried to pretend that there wasn't anything wrong, but it's pretty obvious that there's something very, very wrong here. I thought it would take care of itself with time, but it's not. You're not getting better."

"Mom, I'm fine--" Rory began, but Lorelai cut her off.

"No you're not! Sweetie, you've changed. I've heard you crying once or twice in the night when you come to visit, and you haven't dated anyone in four years, and you don't look _healthy._ It's not normal, Rory. I think... I think maybe we need to get you some help."

Rory shakes her head. "No doctors. No shrinks." There isn't a doctor in the world that can mend a broken heart.

Lorelai sighs. She didn't really like that idea much either, but she had to suggest it. "Okay, Sweetie. No doctors. But I think maybe you should try to contact Logan. Try to get closure. Because _this_... this just isn't normal--"

She stops talking when Rory bursts out in bitter laughter. She has long suspected that her mother blames Logan for the changes in her life, and it's understandable, considering the timeline. But hearing it out loud is strangely hysterical at the moment. "Mom, no, it's not Logan!"

"What?"

"Logan's not the problem because... well, Logan was never _it_. Not for me. He was a great guy, but he just wasn't The One."

Lorelai stares. "Then you're really going to have to enlighten me, because there has to be a reason you're in here, crying your eyes out."

Rory has to look away, staring at her hands, which are twisting the quilt on her bed absentmindedly. This wasn't something she ever really planned on telling her mother. It would have been nice to have an ally, someone who knew about her pain who would be able to hold her up when it got hard to breathe sometimes, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. It's not logical, but she wanted to keep her hurt to herself, like curling the body up to protect a flesh wound.

But when Lorelai again prompts her to speak, Rory has no choice but to say quietly, "A few years ago I realized that I'm still in love with Jess. And I blew it. I treated him so badly the last time we saw each other."

Her mother handles it better than Rory expected. Rather than allowing her natural reaction- which Rory is sure would involve some bug-eyes and a jaw on the floor- to show, she simply says, "Oh Sweetie. It's been years since then. Why didn't you ever try to contact him?"

"I wouldn't have known where to begin. I don't even have the right to speak to him at all, after everything I've put him through. I broke his heart, Mom. I really, truly did. And even though he hurt me first, there's no excuse for what I've done to him. I was just too scared of getting hurt again to act on my feelings and commit to it, and he wound up getting hurt. He tried to pretend he was fine--" Rory wants to start crying again as she remembers the look in Jess' eyes that last night in Truncheon, but she breathes hard and controls herself. "--But it was really clear that he wasn't. I'm not good for him. I had to stay away, see?"

Lorelai just shakes her head and pulls her daughter into a tight hug.

* * *

The wedding is beautiful, and Rory manages the nerve-wracking walk down the aisle on Jess' arm without losing her poise for an instant. She stands between April and Lorelai and keeps her eyes locked on her teary mother and Luke (who isn't as dry-eyed as he'll later insist, either), and carefully avoids meeting the eyes of the best man. She cannot, however, avoid noticing that he looks very good in a tux.

It isn't until the reception that things get hairy. Rory has been consulting with Lane- who, naturally, wound up as the DJ- about the music selection for her mother and step-father's first dance when she spies Jess standing across the room. His eyes are locked on her, and as she looks up, their glances collide. He stares at her, and Rory stares right back, unable to stop drinking in the sight of him.

That is, until a leggy blonde detaches herself from the crowd and flings an arm around Jess, distracting him enough to break their silent staring match. Rory is too far away to hear the words the blonde whispers in his ear, but a reluctant grin spreads across Jess' face. He says something in reply and the blonde giggles and plants a kiss on his cheek.

Feeling nauseous, Rory turns on her heel and sprints for the door...

* * *

**A/N-** Ugh, I'm not the biggest fan of this chapter. It's okay, I guess. The writing itself is good. I'm just sketchy about the story. Because, as the lovely/fabulous watram mentioned recently in a PM, it's weird and unrealistic for them to go from zero contact in years to suddenly being together. Eh, whatever. It's fanfic. Besides, GG never really obeyed the rules of reality in terms of how long a relationship should take to develop. Just try to suspend your disbelief for a moment, m'kay?


	3. And then she kissed him

A/N- God, I'm getting so FFn lazy lately! I read fic, and I'm like "Wow, that's SO good... I should really be working on the last chapter of IIWII or something... NAH!" and then I go read more fic and completely blow off my allotted writing time with backing through ancient Lit fics from 2003 and stuff (most of which are bizarrely accurate in predicting where Jess' life was going to end up, frankly). But here I am, with the final installment of Self-Inflicted. Enjoy.

And to those reviewers who guessed what I meant by my agoraphobe comment in my RRs... well, congrats. You're smart people. And god I wish we'd gotten Windward Circle so that we could've seen more of Lily.

* * *

3. And Then She Kissed Him

_"She was singin' it all along,_  
_But you were hearing a different song."_  
_-The White Stripes_

* * *

His eyes are locked on Rory's across the room, and his stomach bottoms out. In her amber-colored off-the-shoulder bridesmaid's dress, she's a traffic accident waiting to happen and he's very glad he hasn't actually sampled any of the mystery cocktail in his hand, because he might have choked on a mouthful upon seeing her. He saw her earlier at the wedding, of course, but he was facing determinedly forwards the whole march down the aisle, and later, with Luke and Lorelai between them, it was harder to see. Getting the full effect for the first time, Jess feels slightly like he's been hit by a train.

Jess has just resolved to cross the room and talk to her when an arm descends around his shoulder. "Hey Jessie-boy, I've been looking for you. What are you up to?" He glances at the blonde who has so unceremoniously accosted him and can't help but grin, even as his thoughts and eyes wander briefly back across the room.

"Oh, checking out the maid of honor? How terribly cliché of you," she giggles. "I thought you had more class than..._ Ohmygodthat'sher!_"

He grins at Lily's outraged expression. He leans in close to speak softly in her ear. "I don't know who you're talking about, Lily-lou," he denies.

"Sure you don't," she says archly. "What are you sticking around with me for? Go get her, big brother!" She kisses him on the cheek and pats his back forcefully, all but shoving him away from her. Jess stumbles slightly (Lily Wight-Mariano is much stronger than her slight build would suggest) and when he looks up, Rory is running- yes, actually running, despite previous insistence that Gilmores do not run- out of the hall. As she pulls hard on the handle, apparently trying to wrench the oaken door from it's frame, she turns slightly, and he catches a glimpse of her teary expression. Her eyes are dry, but he's seen that look too many times not to know that a breakdown is soon to follow.

Wondering what's happened between the moment Lily approached and now to have such an effect on her, Jess pursues. He's not sure this is a good idea; actually, he's scared out of his mind. She's broken his heart time and again and that scarred, frightened part of him is warning him to stay far, far away, to hide behind his walls and never let her in again so that she can't hurt him anymore. But his concern for her overwhelms his own fears, and he follows her despite them...

* * *

Rory feels sick to her stomach and, once she's stumbled out onto the veranda of the reception hall, she actually dry-heaves over the railing a few times, but with no tangible results other than hurting her throat and compounding the ache that came from trying to hold back tears. She's alone now, though, and with the important part of the day done, and both her mascara and eyeliner labeled as waterproof, she allows a few stray tears to fall, suddenly thankful for her freakout the day before. It was a vent for some of the tangled emotions she feels toward Jess, and is probably the reason why she's not just sitting on the ground screaming right now. Maybe there is some veracity to the Coke Bottle theory of emotions after all...

She should have known there'd be a girl. It isn't like she was expecting him to sit and pine for her the way she's been doing for him. She has no right to expect that, no matter how gratifying it would have been. But she didn't expect someone so _young_ or so _pretty_ or so very, very... _blonde_.

Guess he does have a type after all, she thought bitterly. And she was the only one (that she knew of, anyway) who didn't fit into that neat little bouncy bottle blonde category.

It's a vicious circle. This has to stop. She's successfully wallowed in her unrequited love for years, but it's getting old. She's tired of being... whatever this is. Weak? That doesn't seem quite right. Fragile? That's not the right concept, either.

Cold. That's what it is. She's just cold, freezing all over, outside and in. And she can't do it anymore. She can't be this soft, frigid half-woman who can't stand to see the man she loves with someone else...

A hand touches her shoulder and she spins around, hands flying to her face to arrest all traces of her distress, but they freeze mid-motion when Rory realizes who has joined her on the deck.

"Jess," she says, breathing evenly to keep her voice steady. "You startled me."

He ducks his head, implying an apology. "You okay?" he asks. "You look... well, honestly, you kinda look like shit."

Four years of self-flagellation and longing, combined with her resolution not to float through life anymore, explode. She feels confessionary.

"No, I'm not okay," she says, heart jumping to her throat, but she knows that it's now or never. It's totally the wrong time, but she's decided that she needs to get this off her chest. When you love someone, they have a right to know, right?

"I have to tell you something." A long breath before the plunge. "I love you."

* * *

Jess stares, sure he must have heard wrong. There is absolutely _no way_... "W-what?" he stutters.

She shrugs, blue eyes glittering mutedly. "I love you. I always have, only I was a moron and I screwed it up because I didn't want to _know_ I loved you, and I'm a lot like Mom. When she doesn't want to see something, she really doesn't acknowledge it, and I guess I'm the same way because I hid it way, way down, because loving you is scary and big and... well, kind of problematic. So I didn't even know it when it would've made a difference, so instead of falling into your arms like I should've, as cliche as that would've been, I ran away and I hurt you. I know I hurt you. I pretended at the time that it couldn't have meant anything to you, but I saw that look in your eyes that night at Truncheon, and I'm so, so sorry for that Jess. I was screwed up and I was way out of line and I just... I'm sorry."

He can't wrap his mind around all this, and without his conscious mind telling it to, he finds his mouth forming the words, "Where is all this coming from?"

Rory shrugs again. "A few years ago... actually, it was four years ago, the day before I graduated from school, Logan proposed. And I didn't know what to say. And I was thinking it over that night, and it was _you_ I wanted to see at the end of the aisle someday, not Logan, and that was when I realized how horribly I'd screwed up. I mean, I knew I was wrong to have come to you that night, but it didn't really hit home what I'd done until then. And I know I already said that, but I'm sorry for what I did.

"So I'm just... that's all I really had to say. And I know you have a girlfriend now and you're probably way over it and this is all old history and why should you care anymore? It was all a long time ago. But after all these years of hating myself for what I did, I just had to tell you that. Just this once. I love you. And now I think I've embarrassed myself enough for a lifetime. I'll just..." She makes a vague gesture and moves to go.

Rationality checks out. All Jess is sure of is that he has to stop her from leaving again. His hand shoots out and snatches her wrist, pulling her back. For a nanosecond their eyes meet, chocolate and sky-blue, and then his lips are on hers.

It's the only way he knows how to prove to her that he returns her feelings. It's the only way he knows how to tell her that he's been waiting, too.

The kiss is fierce, almost angry, and it feels as though they're both kissing with their hearts in their mouths. It's an eternity, or maybe not.

Rory pushes away from him, stumbling backward and staring. "But... but what about the girl?" she asks. "The blonde?"

For a second, he can't remember what she's talking about. Once it registers, he grabs her and pulls her to him so that she can feel his laughter. "Lily?" he asks, chuckling. "Ror, Lily is my _sister_."

"Sister?"

At the word, the tension slides away from her stance and she relaxes into his embrace. Though he can't see her face, because it's buried in his chest, he can imagine her stunned expression, and it makes him smile. "Well, step-sister, but we might as well be related," he explains. "She's Sasha's daughter."

"Who's Sasha?"

"Jeez, have I never told you this stuff? Sasha is Jimmy's wife. They got married a few years back, making Lily officially my step-sister, as opposed to merely her self-proclaimed book-smuggler."

"What's she-?"

"What's she doing at your mother's wedding?" He shakes his head. "Lorelai told me I had to bring a woman, which it turned out later was a joke about Mrs. Kim, but I didn't know that at the time and since Lil goes to college at Colombia, she's in the area, and I figured showing up with my sister was slightly less embarrassing than going solo when I'd been told to bring a plus one, so... Lily."

"So you're-?"

"Unattached?" Jess sighs. "I've been unattached since you got off that bus to Hartford eight years ago. I mean, unless you count a couple of random one-night-stands over the years, which I'm not sure qualify in the way you mean."

Finally, she lets go of him and looks up at him. "You've really just been... waiting?"

He shrugs. "Pretty much. Beats settling and closing that door."

"Speaking as someone who chose the second option, yeah, it does." She kisses his cheek, then leans her cheek against his shoulder again, letting out her breath in a huff. "Boy, we really suck, don't we? Just a couple of really pathetic heart-breakers."

"What do you say we put an end to that cycle, then?" Jess suggests. "No more hurting each other. No more fighting."

"I'd like that," Rory agrees quietly.

He forgave her long ago for the encounter at Truncheon. He suspects she also has long since forgiven him for leaving (multiple times). This isn't really a tabula rasa, but it's a new beginning of some kind, and Jess couldn't be more thankful. Just because he forgave her for her behavior that fateful night didn't mean it didn't hurt like hell. Knowing that she's been pining too is like a salve on that old wound, strangely enough. It shouldn't be, maybe, but it is. And now they've finally gotten around to the happily ever after he envisioned so long ago.

"Hey Ror?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you, too. Always have."

"Oh. Okay."

And then she kissed him.


End file.
